The following is intended as a humorous spoof. The restaurants mentioned here have not, in fact, changed ownership.

“S’ghetti Eddie’s, the latest in Eddie Dopkin’s attempt to gastronomically rule Roland Park’s Cold Spring Lane commercial strip, is a slightly upscale take on the corner takeout joint— no lake trout or chicken here, though.”                                                           
          —City Paper, June 20, 2007

With our daughter gone off into the big bad world, my busy wife and I are always looking for a place to dine out. We get tired of cooking for ourselves. We get tired of the same old, same old. We get tired of takeout.

We’ve known for a while that Eddie Dopkin was the owner of Alonso’s, Loco Hombre, Miss Shirley’s and S’ghetti Eddie’s. But we recently discovered that Eddie actually has a dining establishment for every occasion, palate and purse. Hallelujah!

With this much variety, eating out in Baltimore is pleasurable once again. It’s only right that I share my discoveries. Bon appetit, my friends!

Trattoria Eduardo’s  Newest addition to Baltimore’s Little Italy. Don’t despair: they still have the industrial strength marinara sauce! Parking nearby only $25! Boccie lessons, weather permitting.

Eddie’s at Cross Keys  May remind old-timers of The Roost! Movers and shakers know this is the place to move and shake. If these walls could talk. You can feel the deals being made.

Petit Eddie  Think Paris in the ’20s! Cindy Wolf and Tony Foreman were heartbroken letting this place go, but it’s in good hands. Eddie’s hands. Wine still marked up. International water service still available. Sommelier and trained hydrologist on staff!

Brother Eddie’s Pig Pen  Keeping it real in Roland Park. Baltimore’s newest soul food restaurant is still finding its clientele in this predominantly white-bread niche but hopes are high. Celebrity sighting: Greg Kane.

Café Eddie’s  Eddie made her an offer she could not refuse so Baltimore’s Denise Whiting exits stage left. Enter Eddie. But rest assured that the site long occupied by Café Hon still serves the wildly overpriced comfort food you know and love.

Tio Eduardo’s  Traditional Spanish cuisine at the site of one of the city’s most beloved downtown restaurants. They still have the black bean soup and that succulent roast pig. And they still make you wait in the bar even if you made a reservation three months ago. Tradition!

Eddie’s Country Kitchen Biscuits and gravy, chicken fried steak, white socks and Blue Ribbon beer. Baltimore’s best country and western jukebox. William Donald Schaefer eats breakfast here— sometimes in his pajamas! And it’s all happening in Roland Park! Hee Haw!

E, a neighborhood bistro  In the heart of charming 19th-century Bolton Hill (request escort to your car after 9 p.m.), this quaint bistro occupies the space long held by B. Yes, you can still sit very close to people who are not with you.

Tapas Eddie’s  Leave it to Eddie to put the “little” in little plates. Located next to the popular Charles Theatre in the city’s “soon-to-be vibrant” Station North Arts District.

Eddie’s Industrial Exchange  Hold the tomato aspic. Is there nothing the man can’t do? Leave it to Eddie to bring back a Baltimore favorite with a twist. Who knew he was into quilting, too? Celebrity sighting: Jacques Kelly.

The New Wyman Park Eddie’s When Pete and Spiro and the gang decided to go back to Greece, Eddie stepped in. It’s still the same old corner spot beloved by one and all. And you can still get a complimentary bail bondsman’s pen or key chain!

Pazo Eddie’s Yes, it’s just as dark here as it was under the old management.  Maybe even darker? Complimentary miners’ helmets available. BYO flashlight.

Polock Eddie’s  This venerable shrine to the tube steak has locations all over Charm City. The line at the courthouse branch is long but you hear some interesting things. Celebrity sightings: Warren A. Brown, Dwight Pettit, Billy Murphy and Larry Gibson.

Eddie’s Land O’ Lake Trout  Do not be put off by the Plexiglas and chicken wire or the steel-reinforced Lazy Susan. These accoutrements are necessary. We’re on Fulton Street, boys and girls.

Eddie’s New System Bakery  Located in the pulsing heart of Hampden, the redneck Nantucket. The bread does not get any whiter than this.

Golden Eddie’s Go West with Eddie! This landmark on Hampden’s “The
Avenue” is unchanged. The fabled weird service is still available. The many rules on the menu are still there, too. Do not ask for substitutions. No cell phones. Not even for you, Eddie.

Eddie & Donna’s  Now Baltimore can enjoy yet another dining venue that traces its roots to one of the city’s most popular eateries. Love those roasted vegetables!

Eddie’s Paper Moon The fabled eccentric service is still on tap. Most popular with late night revelers, which in north Baltimore means after 9 p.m.!

Eddie’s Kibitz Klub  The place to enjoy corned beef, pastrami and kvetching. Promises to reinvigorate Baltimore’s old Corned Beef Row. Celebrity sightings: Ron Matz and Marty Bass. 

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