Unplugged
I am suffering with a problem that is currently plaguing millions of Americans. I’m not talking about those who are trying to devise a way to deport the entire Kardashian family, Snookie and most of the “Real Housewives” off to the Island of Duh. My issue is far less complicated: I’m unemployed. While my pursuits have been rewarding during this time, (trying to correctly guess the number of tic tacs in a box; wondering if the belt of my bathrobe could be used to accessorize and update my one and only business suit, etc.). I realize it is time to begin again and start my search for a new job.
To help me prepare for this I turned to the world’s largest employment website, Monster.com for advice, where I found this all important nugget:
“One major complaint among recruiters is when a candidate is not completely truthful; small lies are all too common in the world of recruitment.” Keeping that in mind, I decided to try answering ten of their one hundred potential interview questions-truthfully.
1.Give me an example of a time that you felt you went above and beyond the call of duty at work:
When a burrito caught on fire in the microwave, I screamed for someone to get it out.
2.What are your strengths?
I am double jointed, always carry a bottle opener and if I cut my hair and gained 200 pounds, I could pass for Chaz Bono.
3.Weaknesses?
I hate all sports that involve a ball, occasionally feel the need to read the instructions on the shampoo bottle and I don’t find didgeridoo music “hauntingly beautiful”.
4.What irritates you most about other people?
The sound of their blood circulating through their body.
5. Describe how you would handle a situation if you were required to finish multiple tasks by the end of the day, and there was no conceivable way that you could finish them.
I would have a relaxing cup of grande Ex-lax-accino. Early dismissal for me-and hilarity for my co-workers would ensue.
6.Tell me one thing about yourself you wouldn’t want me to know.
I had a third nipple removed in 1987.
7. What do you see yourself doing within the first 30 days of this job?
Trying to figure out if it is too soon to call in sick.
8. List five words that describe your character.
I. want. to. go. home.
9. How would you go about establishing your credibility quickly with the team?
By promising to never, ever to refer to them as “the team”.
10. Tell me 5 ways to use a pencil other than writing.
Bend over. Five times.
Only ninety more questions to go! Next step: wardrobe. Monster says, “You’re going to be judged -at least partially - by how you look”. Check. Better get that bathrobe belt in the wash.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 11/20/11 at 01:59 PM
