Unplugged
I didn’t go to the Baltimore Grand Prix- I gave away my tickets. Oh sure, it might have been fun to watch cars actually go more than the usual 3 miles mph down Pratt Street. But my heart wasn’t in it. Actually my feet weren’t in it. I went to one Orioles game this spring and spent most of my time wondering what was more painful, hobbling around Camden Yards in my 3 inch heels or watching them play. So, I’ve decided to boycott all events that require walking until someone, somewhere, manufactures my idea for the greatest mobility marvel, which will do the walking for me.
It all started when I was on a marathon-shopping trip with my friend Molly. I was carrying a purse that weighed more than my car, causing one shoulder to hang about 20 inches lower than the other. My legs and feet felt so tired and heavy that I had to ride the escalator sitting down. So imagine my devastation when I realized that not only had I just purchased enough eyeliner at the MAC store for a KISS reunion, but also I was now at one end of the mall and my car was parked at the other. I considered crawling or rolling my body the length of the mall. I thought about streaking through the food court, my naked body covered only with waffle fries from Chick Fil A, forcing mall security to golf cart me back to my car. And, as I was about to bribe the 97 pound Molly to be my human rickshaw back to Nordstrom by promising her a lifetime supply of Auntie Anne’s pretzels, my gazillion dollar idea came to me: Adult Strollers.
Now you stop it right there. I know what you are thinking, in your whiney, jealous, nay-saying voice…”That’s already been invented”- (and here is where your voice gets all scoldy) “it’s called… a wheelchair.” May I remind you that wheelchairs and electric scooters are for those who have unfortunately fallen victim to injury, illness or old age. Adult strollers are limited to those, who like myself, have fallen victim to something far more prevalent: laziness. Got it?
Just think, these grown up strollers would be lightweight, cheap and totally portable. Not like the horrifying kid strollers that require an MIT degree to assemble, an additional 3 hours to get in and out of a minivan, and a feature length DVD for you to watch as you wait through this endless torture for your parking space.
Whoever decided that a chauffeured stroll is only for whiny, little junior? Come on-admit it-aren’t you sick of those smug faces looking up at you from their little four wheeled thrones, feeling so superior, as they shake their sippy cups and cheerios in victory as they whiz past you?
Consider this, too: there is no law against drinking and pushing! You can go to the neighborhood block party have 12 mojitos and have someone drunker than you push you home. What’s the worst that could happen? You end up in Dundalk with a flat tire?
And forget about practical and comfortable (read: UGLY) footwear! Go ahead and choo, choo, choose your 6 inch Jimmy Choos from your closet and wheel your way to the Raven’s game.
And, it’s good for business! If someone else does the pushing, I am far more likely to buy a ticket to events that practically require cross-country training to attend. (Hey, Ren Fest, I’m talkin’ to you!) Everyone wins.
Before you start going all Thomas Edison on me, calling this a dumb and unnecessary invention- you should research some of the latest innovations to come out of our brilliant forward thinking, society- like: The Handerpants- underpants for your hands. Or, Cat Duster Slippers- so kitty can do a little floor cleaning for you while he sulks around the house. And lest we forget the Face/Butt towel- a towel conveniently marked so you never, ever, get confused about what section of towel should be used and where.
The only problem I have now is the name. I thought about the Tushe Wagon or Heiny Hauler but they are all too cutesy. I hate cute. We have a chair for anyone who can’t manage to sit upright while watching reruns of Sports Center, called a Lazy Boy, a spinning shelf for those too lazy to say, “pass the salt”, called a Lazy Susan. So let’s call this brilliant and overdue invention what it is- an Adult Stroller Solution or Lazy A.S.S.
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