Glamour Girl
Okay, Glamour Girl admits she was more interested in watching Cranford on PBS last night than the Golden Globes – awards ceremonies can be so tedious, even with the likes of funnyman Ricky Gervais hosting – plus she knew she could just wait until this morning to see the round-up of red carpet photos. So Cranford it was.
But the thought of beauty and sparkle puts her ever on the qui-vive, so it was with high anticipation that she jumped out of bed today and opened her computer.
Oh, my.
What is going on??
Quel . . . mess!
All these frou-frou, ruffle-enveloping dresses, with cockeyed, one-armed shoulder treatments, and all the blah pale-flesh-toned dresses?? Long, swishy, unkempt hair—hello?? it’s a formal event! - hair UP, please!
But okay, first some good news. There were a few beautiful stand-outs. Penelope Cruz, for one:
Yes, she was wearing boring black and her hair was down, but still – the gown had some texture and visual interest, and her hair was actually done. It’s hard for her to be anything but gorgeous. The dress, by the way, is Giorgio Armani Privé.
Next, Sigourney Weaver:
60 years old and beautiful in an elegant, age-appropriate, and anything but run-of-the-mill green gown.
Drew Barrymore in Atelier Versace:
Yes, I know I just complained about flesh-toned dresses above, but Barrymore looks so polished and soignée in this gown (and with a figure to die for), and it does have crystals and sequins, after all, so it’s not bland.
Sophia Loren:
Wow, what a knock-out. This woman is 75 years old! All right, so she’s probably had some face work done – who in Hollywood hasn’t? – but that doesn’t account for her figure, which is still amazing. Yes, I know all about girdles and corsets and body-briefers (thank god for them), but you don’t get a figure like that from a body-briefer. The woman is an inspiration. And a far cry from her appearance at the Academy Awards a few years ago when she looked like she was channeling Miss Kitty (from Gunsmoke, you young’uns, a long-ago TV series).
Then there’s Jennifer Garner. In a simple silver gown by Atelier Versace, Garner is pure Old Hollywood Glamour:
But the No. 1 Gown and Total Look of the Evening has to go to investment maven and absolute stunner Mellody Hobson:
Now, that’s a gown! And one that looks like nothing anyone else is wearing, at this awards ceremony or any other. Spectacularly colorful, form-fitting, feminine, elegant, sophisticated, and her hair and jewelry provide the perfect complement to the look. Nobody can touch her. George Lucas, you are one lucky man.
Okay, now on to the disasters of the evening, of which there were plenty.
First, and ever foremost, is Mariah Carey:
The woman is a train wreck.
Mariah, please, please, we get it. We get it. You have big boobs. You lost a lot of weight and have a rockin’ bod. You wish you were 16 so then maybe we could forgive your constant lack of taste (though even Miley Cyrus exhibits more sartorial savvy). Enough already! Put something on, for god’s sake! Not everything you wear, for every event in your life, has to show Everestian cleavage, thigh-high slittage, or the tightness of sausage casing. And what’s with the lobster skin?? Have you been under a sun lamp for the past three days, or did you just get a bad spray-on tan job? With all your money, can you please hire a stylist?!
Then we have Chloe Sevigny:
It may be Valentino, but it’s still a mass of indistinguishable ruffles. And, as usual, she looks like she’ll bite your head off if you say a word to her.
Speaking of ruffles, why, Christina, why?
Normally so beautiful and va-va-va-voom, Mad Men star Christina Hendricks looks like she put on a prom gown from the ‘80s, instead of a grown-up gown for a grown-up event.
More inexplicable ruffles:
That’s Diane Kruger, in Christian Lacroix, no less, but she still looks like a cotton candy cone.
Emily Blunt and Fergie are both doing the I Just Got Back From The Gym And Couldn’t Be Bothered To Comb My Hair look:
And Fergie looks like she’s either holding her breath so she doesn’t bust out of her dress or puffing herself up so she does.
Two lovelies who normally look beautiful and glowing are sadly fading in the firmament in these gowns:
That’s Jenna Fischer of The Office in a shapeless silver muumuu, and January Jones of Mad Men in a funereal sheath of black velvet by Lanvin. Maybe the former is happy to get into anything besides cubicle-wear and the latter just tired of being compared to Grace Kelly. Well, no chance of that here.
Marion Cotillard, though she has French elegance bred in her bones, swings and misses sometimes, and last night was one of those times:
That emerald-teal satin number by Dior with the thigh-lace peeking out just looks like a jumble of incompatible styles.
And it sports one feature in abundance on the red carpet – the one-off shoulder sash that’s neither here nor there, inspired by Jason Wu’s inaugural gown for Michelle Obama. Many women in addition to Cotillard were wearing versions of this, as you can see in this slideshow from the New York Times or this one from Us magazine. More slash than sash, it’s the opposite of a Grecian-goddess one-shoulder look, just a strip of fabric that not only looks haphazard, but that isn’t flattering on most women. It hits at the wrong place on the front, and we don’t all have arms like Mrs. O.
Speaking of which, though I think Glenn Close is supremely classy, I don’t think this dress works for her, on several levels:
First off, it’s kind of a shapeless slab. Next, she should take a cue from Helen Mirren and don a sexy little shrug. Hey, look, I sympathize – I’ve been working out with weights for 25 years and my arms still look more sumo wrestler than sculpted siren. Some of us need all the help we can get. So why not cover up with a little slip of fabric?
My jury is still out on Kate Hudson:
On the one hand, I think she looks fantastic – sophisticated, confident, sexy, filling out every inch of that form-fitting Marchesa gown. On the other hand, I can’t tell what’s going on with that pouf in the back. Maybe she’s just holding up the train? If so, I like it. But if it’s a fixed fabric appendage, I don’t.
Cameron Diaz in Alexander McQueen, Sandra Bullock in Bottega Veneta, and Heidi Klum in Roberto Cavalli just looked – I don’t know—I’ve run out of synonyms for “awful.”
But I’ve saved the worst for last:
Rita Wilson was just on Oprah the other day, talking about fashion and doing make-overs. She apparently writes a regular fashion column for Harper’s Bazaar. And she seems like a delightful lady.
But here she looks like she’s wearing Grandma’s sofa. What is with the chintz floral?? Rita, please! But hey, at least hubby Tom Hanks is wearing a tux for once (ill-fitting though it may be), not just a suit and tie like he usually does at awards shows.
So there you have it – some of the bad and the beautiful (Lana Turner, where are you when we need you?). Weigh in with your opinions in the Comments section.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/18/10 at 10:35 AM
